How we talk to ourselves when we struggle - a window into our relationship with ourselves
Credit photo: Yan Krukau
“How could I have done that? I’m such an idiot.” / “I haven’t moved a thing today - I’m so lazy.” / “I failed again - I’m such a loser.” / “I forgot about X, Y, Z - I’m such a mess.” / “Classic me - always ruining things.”
For many of us, these sound like casual words of frustration. They may even feel so familiar that we hardly notice them anymore. But the truth is, these are ways we reject and harm ourselves - often on a daily basis. Even if we don’t feel their impact right away, deep inside, we register the pain of being on the receiving end of such words.
By bringing awareness and curiosity to our inner dialogue, we can begin transforming the ways we came to relate to ourselves.
Shame is not something that “happens” to us
Shame and self-rejection don’t simply happen to us. They are active, living processes in which we participate directly. Simply put: we criticize, we shame, we reject ourselves.
Recognizing when and how we do this is an important first step in begining to embody a more welcoming relationship to ourselves.
For most people, turning against the self was once the only way to make sense of their early environment.
Children can’t experience themselves as good, lovable beings in bad environments / homes. That would mean that there’s no hope for love in the universe and it would be way too much for a child to bear. Instead, attacking themselves and making themselves the cause of the “badness” gives children the illusion of control: “If I change myself… if I do everything perfectly… If I stop being X, Y, Z, … if I disconnect from my needs… then I will be loved.”
As we grow up, we carry forward this hurtful way of relating to ourselves and continue to reject parts of us precisely when we need the most support. So we judge or shame ourselves for wanting what we want, for needing what we need, for feeling what we feel, for our tenderness, for our vulnerability, for being too soft, too loud, too little, too much, too this, too that…, for our mistakes, omissions, doubts - for being human, after all.
As we start bring awareness to the ways in which we perpetuate suffering in our lives - including through these seemingly harmless ways we talk to ourselves - we start recognizing that we have a choice in how we treat ourselves. And that includes the choice to interrupt these forms of self-aggression.
Noticing the moment right before
While this is easier said than done, and often requires the presence of a compassionate witness to help us explore these dynamics, a first step could simply be to notice when and how you turn against yourself.
For many people, this is something that feels automatic. But that’s just because it happens very quickly.
When we take time to slow things down and bring curiosity to what was happening a moment before shaming / criticizing / attacking ourselves, a lot of useful information may become available. While the specific details are unique to each client, in my work I notice that people often start shaming themselves:
As they allow themselves to relax, rest, or just be.
As they start feeling emotions they learned to disconnect from or are afraid to feel - from sadness to grief, from anger to rage. Perhaps the pain of having lost something or someone they cared about. Perhaps a sense of protest or anger toward someone they love. Perhaps the grief of having lost connection to parts of themselves, of having lost precious years of their life in an attempt to make something else happen.
As they allow themselves to recognize and connect with their deeper needs or longings - often times the longing to rest, to feel connected, held, supported, seen, etc.
As they give themselves increased permission to grow, take a step forward, express themselves, their work, their creativity and aliveness more fully.
As a way of trying to pre-empt someone else’s criticism (yet it’s worth pausing to ask: is it really true that by criticizing ourselves we can stop someone else from doing it?)
As they allow themselves to come in contact with something deeper inside themselves - tenderness, vulnerability, humanness.
Each moment we catch ourselves treating ourselves harshly can be an invitation - not to shame ourselves for shaming ourselves, but to pause and listen. To recognize that the impulse to turn against ourselves is often a reaction to, or a strategy for, disconnecting from the most tender, alive, and deeply human parts of ourselves.
And perhaps from that place, instead of shaming, blaming, or calling ourselves names, we can begin to make a little more space for what we feel. Perhaps a bit of space to feel into the sadness and disappointment of having invested so much into something that didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped. Perhaps a bit of space to feel the longing to rest and simply be. Perhaps a bit of space to feel the limits of what we can (and cannot) do in certain situations - and the inherent helplessness we sometimes face as human beings. Perhaps a bit of space to sense into the relational ruptures and the pain we experience when they happen. Perhaps a bit of space to recognize the longing for rest, fun, enjoyment, and freedom.
As painful or difficult some emotions may feel, when we try to avoid them by turning against ourselves for feeling in the first place, we only end up deepening our suffering. Not only do we abandon ourselves when we most need our presence and care, but we also inflict further pain by judging ourselves.
It’s by allowing ourselves to feel all parts of ourselves and all aspects of our experience - rather than running away from them - that we begin to find more freedom, ease and spaciousness within.
And if something feels too big to be felt, it’s probably because it once was. Finding a trusted other to be with us in that space can make a big difference.
If you’d like to listen to some further reflections on this topic, I warmly recommend the following episode from Transforming Trauma.
